Wednesday, September 7, 2011
For The Love Or Money
11:06 PM | 
Posted by
Ericka Williams
Hello, I read a few of your posting and I am struggling with a few issues of my own and would love to get your insight. A little about myself. I am 31 with a new born and a seven year old. The relationship with my first son's father failed because he was incapable of holding down the house hold money wise. My current boyfriend is a bread winner he is really great in all areas working, domestic, show interests in my oldest son and we have a very good relationship. I respect him and that is the most important thing to me. However I know that he deals with other women! I have struggled with this because I haven’t stepped out on our relationship but have come to terms with the fact that men cheat. A big part feel I'm settling by staying but I fear another failed relationship and not having a man present for my two boys.. Question is it wrong for me to except what he's doing if he handling his business at home?
Answer:
Dear Love Or Money,
If you can deal with your man being with other women and it not hurt you, then I guess you are fine. If you choose to accept that men cheat and you feel that you cannot be better without him, then stay. If him being with other women does not affect how he treats you and your relationship, then you should be happy. A lot of women just "deal" with it. I have never been a woman to accept that. I feel that what you allow is what will happen. If you do not want that in your life, do not take it. Will you be alone? Yes, until you meet the man who understands what that does to women, and doesn't choose to be that "type" of man. Men, those who cheat, seem to have plenty of excuses as to why it is harmless. But that is because they are the ones doing it.
I say it is very harmful and it does not work. Here's why....
1. There are different ways that he can cheat. He can have different one night stands or he can have other "relationships" with women that are consistent and periodic to regular. How does that affect a woman and the relationship with that man? Well, for one, you must be concerned about your safety. Both "ways" are dangerous to your health. What if he doesn't use a condom? If it's a bunch of one night stands how comfortable are you in knowing that he will use a condom EVERY TIME? If he is bonding with other women and maybe it's only one or two, he will probably stop using condoms after a while with her, or them, and you do not know what she is doing. since she knows about you. Dangerous.
2. If he is consistently "dating" other women, there is the strong possibility, although he will deny the possibility of it, that he will catch feelings. Do you want your man feeling that he can't leave another woman alone? AND you as well? He will want you AND her. You will be sitting there at home, knowing that you are sharing your man with a woman that he cares about.
3. Time is energy. What happens when he begins to prefer the time he is spending with her as opposed to you. See men like to have an "escape" from the kids crying and the whole "house" thing, but as women we don't have that luxury. So when he feels the pressure he will keep running to her instead of sharing the pressure with you and that's not fair. He will bring home the bacon, leave it on the table, and run to his "paradise" outside. He will start to lose the balance that he had in the beginning because being with her means no commitment, no headaches....you become the headache and the excuse for him to start arguments to leave. What is then happening is that he is no longer your partner but your roommate. A man should want to be there through thick times, not leave you to deal with them alone. When he should be spending time with you, you will be finding yourself alone more and more because actually, it is like an addiction or a bad habit that just grows from something "harmless" to a "disaster" because you will not be happy with that. Or maybe you will.
4. Men say "A man is gonna be a man". That is a cop-out and that is their way of celebrating their right to a double standard. Ask your man if you can have "friends" outside of the home as well. Unfortunately, men can dish it, but they cannot take it. If it's "harmless" then why can't you do it too?
5. What men don't realize it that it is not the just the "Act" of cheating. It is not just the sexual encounter that messes everything up because yes, he can genuinely love his woman and sleep with another one, who he does not care for BUT...it is the "ability to cheat" that he loves and he will not want to give it up. So maybe it's not the woman or women themselves but the fact that he will love the freedom to do it. So he will love cheating. And that will interfere with his attention to you. It will affect the time that he will spend with you. A woman knowing this will begin to despise her man. And THAT is what they don't see. You will not want to do anything for him or with him. You will be angry and you will feel neglected. You will know that he is supposed to love you, not everyone else. You will start to hate him. That's what they don't see. Why should we look up to them and they are making us feel unwanted and alone? And we have a man? No! I will not be alone, in a relationship. I'd rather be alone, until I get what I deserve.
Then what happens is he is living "the life" and you begin to ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to be neglecting while he spends time being charming with someone else. You will start to look at him differently and you will lose your admiration and respect for him because he is supposed to be the man to care for, comfort, and protect you; not hurt you. If you can lay in the bed, wait for him to come home, knowing that you are lonely....then more power to you. When you can wait to get some great sex and he can't give it to you because he's too tired from running around giving his best "work" to the women outside that he feels the need to impress, then where do you fit in? Bottom line, it will affect your relationship and how you feel about him. You will begin to ask yourself, "What's wrong with me that he would rather be doing THAT then doing THIS?" It is not fair to a woman who is doing her deeds, doing what she is supposed to do, taking care of his children and keeping your home intact; while he goes outside to play. When will you get to play? Isn't he supposed to be in this with you? Not with someone else? THEN, what happens when he wants his freedom totally or falls for someone and decides to leave you? After you sat around letting him sample other women. He might find one that he'd rather be with.
Do you feel that you deserve that? Then stay. Is it really harmless? Then don't worry about it.
I say, it's wrong. I have been there and it hurts. And someone who loves you should not be unconcerned about hurting you. If he wants to be with other women, then he should not be in a relationship.
I say cut your losses and take your time to find the man that will not be good with hurting you. Unless, you can handle it.
Answer:
Dear Love Or Money,
If you can deal with your man being with other women and it not hurt you, then I guess you are fine. If you choose to accept that men cheat and you feel that you cannot be better without him, then stay. If him being with other women does not affect how he treats you and your relationship, then you should be happy. A lot of women just "deal" with it. I have never been a woman to accept that. I feel that what you allow is what will happen. If you do not want that in your life, do not take it. Will you be alone? Yes, until you meet the man who understands what that does to women, and doesn't choose to be that "type" of man. Men, those who cheat, seem to have plenty of excuses as to why it is harmless. But that is because they are the ones doing it.
I say it is very harmful and it does not work. Here's why....
1. There are different ways that he can cheat. He can have different one night stands or he can have other "relationships" with women that are consistent and periodic to regular. How does that affect a woman and the relationship with that man? Well, for one, you must be concerned about your safety. Both "ways" are dangerous to your health. What if he doesn't use a condom? If it's a bunch of one night stands how comfortable are you in knowing that he will use a condom EVERY TIME? If he is bonding with other women and maybe it's only one or two, he will probably stop using condoms after a while with her, or them, and you do not know what she is doing. since she knows about you. Dangerous.
2. If he is consistently "dating" other women, there is the strong possibility, although he will deny the possibility of it, that he will catch feelings. Do you want your man feeling that he can't leave another woman alone? AND you as well? He will want you AND her. You will be sitting there at home, knowing that you are sharing your man with a woman that he cares about.
3. Time is energy. What happens when he begins to prefer the time he is spending with her as opposed to you. See men like to have an "escape" from the kids crying and the whole "house" thing, but as women we don't have that luxury. So when he feels the pressure he will keep running to her instead of sharing the pressure with you and that's not fair. He will bring home the bacon, leave it on the table, and run to his "paradise" outside. He will start to lose the balance that he had in the beginning because being with her means no commitment, no headaches....you become the headache and the excuse for him to start arguments to leave. What is then happening is that he is no longer your partner but your roommate. A man should want to be there through thick times, not leave you to deal with them alone. When he should be spending time with you, you will be finding yourself alone more and more because actually, it is like an addiction or a bad habit that just grows from something "harmless" to a "disaster" because you will not be happy with that. Or maybe you will.
4. Men say "A man is gonna be a man". That is a cop-out and that is their way of celebrating their right to a double standard. Ask your man if you can have "friends" outside of the home as well. Unfortunately, men can dish it, but they cannot take it. If it's "harmless" then why can't you do it too?
5. What men don't realize it that it is not the just the "Act" of cheating. It is not just the sexual encounter that messes everything up because yes, he can genuinely love his woman and sleep with another one, who he does not care for BUT...it is the "ability to cheat" that he loves and he will not want to give it up. So maybe it's not the woman or women themselves but the fact that he will love the freedom to do it. So he will love cheating. And that will interfere with his attention to you. It will affect the time that he will spend with you. A woman knowing this will begin to despise her man. And THAT is what they don't see. You will not want to do anything for him or with him. You will be angry and you will feel neglected. You will know that he is supposed to love you, not everyone else. You will start to hate him. That's what they don't see. Why should we look up to them and they are making us feel unwanted and alone? And we have a man? No! I will not be alone, in a relationship. I'd rather be alone, until I get what I deserve.
Then what happens is he is living "the life" and you begin to ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to be neglecting while he spends time being charming with someone else. You will start to look at him differently and you will lose your admiration and respect for him because he is supposed to be the man to care for, comfort, and protect you; not hurt you. If you can lay in the bed, wait for him to come home, knowing that you are lonely....then more power to you. When you can wait to get some great sex and he can't give it to you because he's too tired from running around giving his best "work" to the women outside that he feels the need to impress, then where do you fit in? Bottom line, it will affect your relationship and how you feel about him. You will begin to ask yourself, "What's wrong with me that he would rather be doing THAT then doing THIS?" It is not fair to a woman who is doing her deeds, doing what she is supposed to do, taking care of his children and keeping your home intact; while he goes outside to play. When will you get to play? Isn't he supposed to be in this with you? Not with someone else? THEN, what happens when he wants his freedom totally or falls for someone and decides to leave you? After you sat around letting him sample other women. He might find one that he'd rather be with.
Do you feel that you deserve that? Then stay. Is it really harmless? Then don't worry about it.
I say, it's wrong. I have been there and it hurts. And someone who loves you should not be unconcerned about hurting you. If he wants to be with other women, then he should not be in a relationship.
I say cut your losses and take your time to find the man that will not be good with hurting you. Unless, you can handle it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
A Women Scorned 3
Coming Soon!!!
About Me
- Ericka Williams
- Ericka Williams is a tour de force, a phenomonal woman. She is a compassionate person who not only cares about herself and hers, but she cares about humanity. All of her books are themed to show the unlimited access of human beings to redemption. She is a Christian, spreading the message that Jesus saves; no matter who you are, what you've done, or what other people think of you. She uses societal ills, her own experiences, and real situations that we all face, to show that their is a light at the end of every tunnel, if you take God's hand and let him lead the way. She may not fit the mold of a "saint", but she sure is a believer and she knows that we all only have the obligation to spread the Word, the way that we personally know how. Ericka Williams is a mother of two, an elementary school Language Arts teacher, an actor, a director, and a producer of short films. She is currently in the cast of The Cartel Publications, feature "Pitbulls in a Skirt" movie being released in the summer of 2011. She continues to write books, act, and prepare to fulfill her dream of having her books turned into films.
A Women Scorned 2
In Stores Now!!
A Women Scorned
In Stores Now!!!
Shining Star
All That Glitters
ESharan Presents